The Problem With "Letting Him Lead"

Most trends I see in the dating world are misguided at best and potentially harmful at worst. But one dating and relationship trend that I'm pleased to see getting some attention is balancing the feminine and masculine in love relationships.

But...I wouldn't be writing a blog post if I didn't have a bone to pick with the way most dating influencers are talking about this. Most dating coaches reduce masculinity to leading and pursuing, while femininity is narrowly defined as softness and passivity. There's a lot more to these vital energies that this, and that's the problem with "let him lead."

First and most importantly, there's a difference between mature femininity and immature femininity. Most influencers are promoting immature versions of femininity because they think that immature masculinity is masculinity. Uh-oh. Second, carefully managing perceptions of ourselves in dating leads to inauthentic, unsatisfying relationships that generally end in divorce. And lastly, this is all part of a larger collective trend: a mass regression that preys on women who are overworked and exhausted and men who are lonely and scared.

If you're curious about what balancing feminine and masculine means for you and your love life in a healthy and authentic relationship, read on.

The Immature and mature masculine and feminine

We have to start by differentiating between the immature and mature versions of masculinity and femininity. This is important because without this understanding, we are at risk of playing out or expecting roles that keep us small and out of our power. There are always polarities within masculinity and femininity - an active side and a passive side.

Passive Masculine - The Masochistic Warrior/Abdicating King:

• This is the "Nice Guy Persona" that I talk about so much. He's really strong in that he can take a beating and not fall down.

• He is afraid of his aggression and anger. He might be overly focused on not hurting anyone's feelings.

• He's typically a very hard worker, but might get stuck in his career either because his Inner Critic is savage or because he takes on invisible work - this is the masochism.

• He's passive in many parts of life. He might not know what his needs or feelings are because he's so focused on meeting other people's needs.

Active Masculine - The Sadistic Warrior/Tyrannical King:

• This is the guy striving to be "Alpha." Control is his focus, and he uses domination to achieve it.

• He is afraid of feeling shame, and so displaces it on groups of people (often marginalized groups like immigrants, POC, women, gay and transgendered folks, the poor, etc) or his relationships by dismissing them, bullying them, or physically harming them.

• He'll be cutthroat about throwing people under the bus or taking credit for work that isn't his. The appearance of success is what matters to him.

• He has a desperate need for control and power. His fear of powerlessness drives his life, making him appear ambitious and driven, but he's not working towards a life purpose. He's acting out of fear, trying to prove that he matters.

(For more on this way of looking at male psychology, check out this book.)

Now for the ladies reading this, you might recognize yourself or females you know in some of these descriptions. That's because women have access to masculine qualities - just like men have access to feminine qualities.

Active Feminine - The Manager Mother:

• She is high-functioning and holds a lot of mental and emotional load in her relationships, at home, and at work. She likes feeling needed, but also resents the demands on her time and energy.

• She is afraid of powerlessness and uncertainty. This leads her to be a planner, organizer, and highly proactive. She's afraid of resting, waiting, or letting herself be cared for.

• When she becomes resentful, she is critical, always trying to "fix" her partner to be perfect for her. She is a perfectionist and often has a savage Inner Critic.

• The Manager Mother often ends up with the Masochistic Warrior/Abdicating King.

Passive Feminine - The Passive Damsel

• She is a perfect mirror for projection. Often a chameleon, she laughs at every joke and listens to everything like it's interesting. Men feel appreciated and seen by her.

• She is afraid of feeling overwhelmed. When something feels challenging or complicated, she claims that the universe is telling her it's not to be or that she's not smart/rich/resourced enough to figure it out. She wants to be parented by a lover, not partnered with in equality.

• She is disconnected from her own soul and creative spirit. Her life feels meaningless without a man's attention, and she oscillates between listlessness and panic. She can become dependent on substances or social media to relieve the meaninglessness.

• The Passive Damsel often ends up with the Sadistic Warrior/Tyrannical King.

We might notice that we have experienced qualities on both sides of these "shadow poles."

For example, I was the Manager Mother in work and relationships, but when it came to money, I was the Passive Damsel. It's easy to judge ourselves for how we show up (or used to show up), but I'm here to tell you that this is a stage we all go through, and initiating into the mature versions of masculinity and femininity is what we are born to do. Let's explore what those look like:

Mature Masculinity:

• He has access to aggression. He'll stand up for what he believes in, protect the innocent, and take action to make his life purpose a reality.

• He is structured around his values and lives a life ordered around those values.

• He blesses the people around him by seeing their value and naming it. He knows his own value and so doesn't feel superior or inferior to anyone.

• He has a life purpose, a mission to live out that enlivens him. It might be as a husband and father, it might be a creative pursuit, or it might be a business idea or social movement.

Mature Femininity:

• She has a quiet inner knowing of her value in the world. She doesn't do anything to prove her worthiness. She just is.

• She can hold uncertainty and chaos with grace and patience. She doesn't try to control the flow, she is with the flow.

• She is embodied, connected to herself first and then to others. She isn't dependent on her outer relationships or approval for meaning.

• She is deeply connected to her soul's purpose. She creates without fear of judgment or failure, knowing that the act of creation is sacred. She may do this as a mother and wife, as an entrepreneur, artist, or a social movement leader.

When we see the difference between mature and immature masculinity and femininity, we can see that mature men and women are just not going to be attracted to an immature person. If we want to change our relationship karma, it's up to us to initiate. Even if we're already in a relationship, we can change it's trajectory by doing our work.

Change Your Relationship Karma

Should You "Lean Back?"

The language that dating coaches tend to use to describe leaning into their feminine is to be passive - don't make the first move, don't text him first, make him chase you, be a prize he has to win. These sorts of prescriptive, simplistic types of dating advice really hurt women, especially high achieving ones.

First of all, those kinds of tactics might work on a particular type of guy, but they won't work on a maturely masculine man. If he's into someone, they'll know it, and he'll expect that his date is mature enough to be open about her interest in him.

If we're worried about appearing "too eager" or "desperate," that's another call to change our relationship karma - inevitably, we will end up with men who are emotionally unavailable when we can't accept admiration or admire someone openly. This is why working with our Shadow is so valuable in dating. Women who are in their mature feminine don't get overly attached too soon. They are connected to reality throughout the dating process, even if they are excited about someone.

Second, if we manage to attract, bond, and get committed to a partner by acting in a way that doesn't feel in alignment, how long are we willing to keep that performance up for the relationship? Until death? I don't think so!

Ultimately, performance is not a solid way to start a relationship. Doing the deep work on ourselves is.

We Are At A Relationship Crossroads

As a collective, we are at a major turning point in relationships. This has all been catching up to us for quite some time: women have achieved the most financial independence possible in Western history, they no longer need a man in order to survive, and now they want emotional connection and shared mental and emotional labor -- and they'll leave relationships where they don't get it. Fifty years ago, these would have been unthinkable demands.

It's not surprising that there is blowback from the political progress women have earned: this is a form of mass regression, where exhausted women (often career-ambitious Manager Mothers) throw up their hands and say, "Fine, let's go back to the 'golden days' and all I have to worry about is the home and the children, instead of all of that plus having a full time job." And I get it! It's too much for one person - my mother lived this way and was miserable.

(PS - I am not claiming that choosing to be a SAHM is regressive itself, only that the recent resurgence of traditional gender roles - popularized by wealthy trad wife influencers - is a typical collective reaction to progress.)

We've all had a hard time catching up. Men watched their fathers go to work every day and think that's what their job is - and they do way more indoor chores than their dads did, so aren't they doing a great job? Women saw their mothers do everything and began managing every aspect of shared life as soon as they were in committed relationships, without even realizing they were doing it.

Now resentment builds, conflict escalates, and then bam - our marriage is over. But there's a simple way to avoid this false dichotomy, the lean back or over-function, and it's to actively work to cultivate mature versions of masculinity and femininity within ourselves. In this way, we're not engaged in power struggles, we're met as equals, and we can connect more deeply and authentically. We will also recognize maturity in others.

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