Having the same fight over and over again?
Updated: Oct 10
Repetitive conflict can really drain a relationship of its positive energy. Instead of creating something new together, we're entrenched in a circular pattern that goes nowhere. What are the reasons repetitive conflict happens and what can we do about it?
We're trying to be right
Repetitive conflict sometimes stems from an overall outlook on conflict that one person has to be right and the other has to be wrong. Two people might become embroiled in repetitive conflict if they are both trying to convince the other of their opinion instead of trying to understand each other's perspectives.
How to fix it:
Changing our worldview is easier said than done, but ultimately, holding the viewpoint that two things can be true at the same time is an important step in building emotional maturity.
Along these same lines, learning that we can validate someone's viewpoint without agreeing with them goes a long way to interrupting this dynamic.
Sixty-nine percent of conflict is not resolvable. Instead of focusing on making your point, try to fully, deeply understand your partner's perspective.
We're trying to control each other
A big source of conflict is communicating to control, and repetitive conflict is often occurring because we're trying to control what our partner does or how our partner sees us. For example, instead of being direct about our feelings being hurt, we may sulk or give the Silent Treatment to get attention. Or, instead of reflecting on how we can meet our own needs, we may anxiously demand that our partner meet them for us.
Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse) are all attempts to control another person.
How to fix it:
The opposite of communicating to control is communicating authentically: sharing our emotions with our partner. "I'm feeling really anxious" instead of "why didn't you text me at lunch?" "I'm really angry about ______" instead of giving the Silent Treatment.
Another worldview shift: when we're trying to change our partner, it's out of an ego desire to feel safe and comfortable. Embracing the qualities about them that lead to our discomfort is really loving them. Read that again.
Communicating to control is often stemming from a fear of abandonment or a fear of losing ourselves in the relationship. Know the source of your fears and be mindful of projecting them onto your partner.
someone is being "compliant" instead of on-board
Saying "yes" out of compliance instead of being fully on board with a plan of action nearly always leads to passive-aggressive behavior, which leads to repetitive conflict.
A client of mine, Sam (name changed and permission given), kept having the same fight with his wife. She wanted the garbage taken out the night before, he preferred to do it the morning it got picked up on his way out to work.
When we first started working together, Sam had trouble identifying and expressing his needs, desires, and emotions. This resulted in him capitulating to please his wife and end the conflict (which he was very uncomfortable with).
But Sam would "forget" to take the trash out the night before after agreeing to it. Or he would get caught up in something and it would be too late. And the fight would happen again, with his wife feeling frustrated and Sam feeling angry and ashamed.
Eventually, Sam was able to identify what he preferred to do and why, and was able to withstand his wife's insistent demands that the trash go out when she wanted it to.
Through a series of conversations, they were able to share the deeper reasons behind their desires: His wife's insistence on the garbage going out stemmed from an anxiety about their morning routine. Sam felt infantilized when his wife told him how and when to do chores around the house, but also feared being seen as a bully, so went along with what she wanted.
Eventually, they came to a creative solution that neither of them had anticipated: they made lifestyle changes that led to an easier morning routine, which they both appreciated.
How to fix it:
Own when compliance vs buy-in is happening. Denying the problem gives it more and more energy.
If you're the compliant one: own the resentment that's building in you. It's endangering your relationship. You must empower yourself and find your backbone.
If you're the other one: ask yourself if you may be steamrolling your partner instead of empowering them to be equal with you. Are you validating their perspective, really hearing them, or are you trying to control them?
the source of repetitive conflict
You may have picked up on this common thread, but the source of repetitive conflict is rigidity. Needing to be right, trying to control the other person, or being compliant are all strategies for keeping things the same.
Conflict requires creativity, and creativity cannot happen when there's rigidity. If when entering conflict we have an outcome in mind, that's a sign that we're communicating to control. Releasing our expectations or our desires for things to work out in a certain way leaves room for a better thing.
If we're projecting onto our partner, we'll also find ourselves rigidly guarded or attacking, making it impossible for us to listen, soften, and connect with each other. We're often seeing them as an avatar of a previous relationship or a parent, not as the person standing in front of us: a Shadow figure that we defend against, instead of the person we love. We can't be creative if we aren't open and receptive to one another.
Do you want to keep diving into how to have more creative conflict? Start by downloading my free workbook Triggered No More! This workbook will teach you the basic steps to understanding your triggers, building a more intimate relationship with yourself so that you can have a more intimate relationship with your partner.
(Already have the workbook? Check out The Emotional Hotness Package for a deep dive into Creative Conflict Resolution.)
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