The Problem with "Men Are the Worst"

I posed this question on Instagram after seeing multiple content creators (including a NYT piece) claim some variation of "men are the worst:"

• What would a date be like with a man who thought that women were the worst?

• What kind of relationship do we think we could have with someone who thought that about women?

• What kind of person would be attracted to a man who thought women were the worst?

I'll take this blog post to answer that question, as well as the one underneath it - what the hell is going on with relationships these days and what do we do about it???

Dating Someone with a Chip on their Shoulder

Listen, I get it. I have been hurt by men in my life: I had an abusive father, I was in abusive relationships, I've been SAed and harassed. It would make complete sense to take all of the evidence of my childhood and young adulthood and say, "yeah, men are the worst." So I understand that the disappointment and frustration of dating and relationships today (and the news) leads us to this.

But the problem with reducing all men to being "the worst," even in private with our friends, is that we are going to see what we believe is there, and we'll see it everywhere. This is the power of confirmation bias and negativity bias. Our minds confirm what we believe and reject evidence that contradicts it. We can't help it.

So let's imagine that we're on a date with a man who believes that women are the worst. It doesn't matter how we show up: he is primed to see us in a negative light. Anything we do will be interpreted through a cynical, judgmental lens.

If we're serious about finding and creating an extraordinary relationship, this lens of "men are the worst" will make that impossible. We'll sabotage dates with lovely guys because we're confirming we're right all the time.

Who Are We Attracted To and Attracting?

We all know that we're not actually claiming that all men are the worst. Even through my darkest years with tyrannical, dominating men, there were men in my life who were supportive and sensitive. Interestingly, I was never attracted to them.

Who was I attracted to? Men who fit that dominating, dismissive, emotionally stoic persona. In my younger years, it felt like a win to break through his shell. I was on the drama rollercoaster with him - one moment, we're close, the next he's distant and I'm panicking, trying to figure out what I did wrong.

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Through a lot of personal growth work, I've seen this dance for what it is: an attempt by my mind to grow. When these men no longer held me spellbound, I knew I'd made some kind of inner change. But I wasn't quite done with this theme of domination.

The flip side caught me in my first marriage, and I see this in many of my female clients: choosing passive men. Men who are disconnected from their desires and assertiveness are easily influenced into wanting what we want. This feels safe after our experience with tyrants. But inevitably, we're left feeling lonely and disconnected in relationships with them, because there's no tension. We're not growing. We feel safe and comfortable for a while, and then we're dead inside.

If we believe that men are the worst, we'll choose men based on that belief: either he'll be an immature tyrant, afraid of a woman's power, or he'll be a passenger in life, afraid of his own power. There are plenty of men who celebrate their partner's power and aren't afraid of using their own. These are the most creative relationships.

Why Are Relationships So Hard Right Now?

We're in a major relationship upheaval. Things are changing faster than we can adapt to them, and because of our insistence on instant gratification, we're unable to give grace and patience as we all try to relate in ways that our parents didn't.

In response to acknowledging toxic masculinity, many men are really committed to being different...and they have very little information to work off of. No one initiated them into mature masculinity. And so they get stuck in the "Nice Guy" persona.

The "Nice Guy" wants to be seen as safe and respectful. He values relationships and personal growth. He engages in therapy and coaching. He wants to be of service to the women in his life, because that's all he knows how to do in order to not be a "bad man."

Inevitably, he grows resentful. He's not doing enough right, even though he's trying hard. He becomes passive-aggressive (because he's not allowed to be angry), and often depressed. He withdraws and numbs, and his emotional unavailability becomes another criticism he has to weather.

For my "Nice Guys" out there, I see you. Thank you. But your task is not to be of service to women. They can do that for themselves. The best possible thing you can do for your relationships and your life is to connect to your own body, your own desires, your own senses. Those are where your life force comes from. Learn to romance yourself and your life, to make love to the world. I've linked several great books for men in this post, here's a podcast about this, too.

Ladies, if we don't learn to own our capacity for aggression, which is an expression of our power, these annoying power dynamics will continue to plague our relationships. If we don't learn to own our fear of being vulnerable with a man, we'll keep choosing passive teddy bears to dominate or emotionally unavailable or unstable dudes.

Hetero-fatalism is a red herring: it's disempowerment disguised as discernment. Women are not better than men. Immature femininity is just as destructive as immature masculinity.

And for all of us: patience and grace. I need this reminder, too. We are all trying our best. No one has it all figured out. Our relationships are a process unfolding, they are becoming. And so are we.