Why You Keep Ending Up in Situationships - and How to Break the Cycle

If you’ve ever found yourself deep into something that felt like a relationship… but somehow never became one, you’re not alone.

Attraction is flowing. You’re spending a lot of time together. You’re getting emotionally invested. There may even be a toothbrush involved. But when the topic of commitment comes up? Everything suddenly gets vague:

“Let’s just see where this goes.”

“I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

“Can we just keep it chill?”

And there you are — in a situationship. Again.

The most frustrating part? You don't have time to be getting caught up in confusing relationship dynamics. You're divorced and over 40 - aren't you too old for this??

You’re putting in emotional effort and building attachment… without ever truly moving forward. So what’s happening?

The Three Phases of Dating You Need to Know

There are three stages of dating that lead to marriage:

• Attraction

• Bonding

• Commitment

Ending up in situationships is a sign that you're getting stuck in the Bonding Phase.

What is Bonding, Exactly?

Bonding is building true emotional intimacy.

Mistaking attraction, chemistry, or romantic gestures for true emotional intimacy is a common feature of chronic situationships.

We think that intimacy is:

• Spending a lot of time together and/or

• Feeling intense chemistry and excitement.

But emotional intimacy is something that we build over time. And to build it, we need:

• Consistency and

• Reciprocity

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Why Situationships Feel So Intoxicating

When we’re stuck in the Bonding phase, we usually aren’t bonding at all — we’re experiencing tension.

Tension is what’s created when:

• We’re attracted to someone AND

• We don’t have consistent access to them.
  

It’s like a dangling carrot. We want more — but we never fully get it.

That push-pull is powerful. It’s exciting.

And because it’s intense, we confuse tension with meaningful connection.

The Hard Truth

If there isn't consistency, there can't be bonding.

And without bonding, there can't be commitment.

So, we stay stuck. Emotionally invested and time passing, but nothing changes.

How to Break the Cycle

There’s nothing wrong with tension. Desire and excitement is a wonderful part of attraction.

But tension is not connection.

To move beyond situationships:

• Know the difference between building emotional intimacy and feeling tension and excitement.

Relationships aren't built on excitement, they're built on the boring stuff. Just like at the gym, it's not the novel moves that get you results. It's doing the foundations consistently that lead to longterm progress.

• Require consistency in words and deeds. If it seems impossible to get a clear answer, it's a situationship.

If you're feeling confused, one of two things is happening: a) you're avoiding asking directly for clarity or b) you're receiving mixed messages. One is all on you, the other is on both of you.

• Require reciprocity. Someone who expects you to change your plans around for them is not willing to put in the work to be in a relationship. Getting together shouldn't take the place of spending time with your family and friends, but when logistics might be challenging (with kids, living locations, or work schedules), you both should be making it work.
  

  

• As soon as you hear "let's just see where this goes," ask this follow-up question: "What are your criteria for deciding to commit to someone?"

If your date dodges the question or gives a vague "when it feels right," they're telling you that they are keeping their options open. Help them out by moving on.

The right person, someone ready for a real relationship, won’t keep you guessing. They will make themselves emotionally and practically available.

Try asking yourself this…

“Is this person consistent and reciprocal when we're together and apart?"

Not:

“How much do they seem to like me?"

"Does this have potential?"

"How can I keep these great moments together going?"

Those questions keep you trapped in tension.

The right question reveals the truth.

Want to find out how to break this cycle once and for all?

Download my new eGuide: Why Am I Still Single?

In it, I break down each phase of dating for marriage and why we get stuck in it. There are also specialized self-reflection questions for each phase (that I use on my actual clients) so you can start to understand your patterns.

Get it for free by clicking the button below!

Why Am I Still Single?