Am I Ready to Date After My Divorce?

After getting divorced, we usually fall into one of two camps: people who are 100% on board with getting back to dating or, people who are a little cautious about dating again.

There's no exact right time to start dating again, but there are a few emotional and psychological considerations we want to make. Read on to find out if you're ready to date after your divorce.

Are You Interested in Someone?

If yes, exciting! This is a sign that your heart is open to a new relationship.

Here are some things to carefully consider before leaping in:

• Have you begun processing why your marriage ended, especially your part in it?

• What are you committed to doing differently to not repeat those mistakes?

• How will you make time for grieving as you pursue this new relationship?

These are important questions to ask ourselves - without addressing how we participated in creating our last marriage, we'll create the same dynamics with new people. Grieving doesn't have to look like being sad, but ensuring that we process the ending of the life we were living before our divorce will help us to create a new relationship from a truly fresh start.

If you're not interested in anyone yet, no worries. There's no rush.

What Do You Want From Dating Right Now?

Some questions I pose to my clients early in their post-divorce dating search are:

• What do you hope to gain from dating right now? Are you looking for casual fun or for your next spouse?

• What is the best possible outcome of a first date for you right now? What about a third date? A tenth?

• Are you willing to endure not getting those outcomes as you get back out there?

Each of these questions help us clarify what we're hoping to get out of romance at this moment in time. It may change in a few weeks or months, but being clear on where we are right now helps us avoid confusing situations.

Sometimes we aren't aware that we have conflicted feelings about dating until we dig into these questions, but those conflicted feelings will impact our results! We might find ourselves not matching with people we like or in a series of painful situationships. By getting really clear, we avoid confusing experiences that leave us insecure and doubting ourselves.

Do You Enjoy Your Own Company?

Getting divorced is a crash course in returning to a solo existence. Even if we were living very separate lives when we divorced our spouse, there was always someone around: coming home from work, sleeping in the house, being around in the morning.

Being solo after marriage can be a jarring experience, so how do we know if we're ready to date because we're kind of lonely or if it's because love will add something to our already full life?

• What interests or hobbies do you cultivate in your life?

• What is your non-romantic social life like? Do you have a solid support system?

• Do you largely feel grounded and calm when alone, or do you feel anxious, lonely, and/or frantic?

If we don't have a lot of interests we're cultivating, a solid social support network, and a general feeling of groundedness when we're alone, it might be worth pausing on dating and creating a life we love. When we're expecting love to fill up the void in our life, we'll be disappointed. When we love our life, it opens up for more love. Pursuing our passions makes us more magnetic. People can feel when our energy is aligned with our purpose in life. It also gives us confidence, which grounds our experience in dating.