relationship challenges in midlife

Relationships often change drastically sometime between ages 35 and 50. This is because of our natural drive towards individuation - the process of becoming our True Selves.

"The first half of life is devoted to building a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it."

-Carl Jung

A healthy ego is one that can thrive socially and physically. It can get the food, shelter, and sense of belonging it needs to survive.

One of the most disorienting experiences in life is realizing that the relationship you've been in, sometimes for decades, is no longer working for you. There is an internal call towards something greater, something more fulfilling: your Self.

(This is what happened to me in my mid-thirties. Long story short: I left an unfulfilling marriage and found a deeply loving and alive relationship.)

Suddenly, having a sense of belonging is less important. You want to be yourself. You want to show up fully, authentically. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You need this.

This desire to "[let] go of" the ego is the call to individuate.

The Persona and Shadow

Most of us start this process by examining our persona, the mask that we've been wearing in our relationship that has become a burden. Some common examples are:

• Nice, accommodating, easy.

• Available, helpful, supportive.

• Dependable, provider, hardworking.

• Calm, regulated, steady.

• Disciplined, under control, routined.

None of these qualities are bad, but our ego holds rigidly to our persona, even when we've heard the call to individuate. That lack of flexibility means that we can never appear as anything but those qualities.

The next step is Shadow work, which I write extensively about. We look at triggers to understand what the unconscious mind is ready to integrate into our conscious awareness. This increases the flexibility of the ego, showing it that the qualities we've been clinging to are really limiting us.

Shadow work always improves our relationships.

Integrating emotion

Then we tap into emotion, building a relationship with the fears that our persona qualities were developed to help us avoid. Fears like:

• Being abandoned

• Meaninglessness

• Loneliness

• Rejection

• Being smothered

This is the hardest part of the work, and often what gets missed in other forms of personal development. Most of my clients have received coaching before - it's when we integrate the emotion that they see genuine, lasting progress on things they've struggled with their whole lives.

confronting resistance

And then we wrestle with and confront our resistance. Remember, the True Self is what calls us to individuate, but the ego wants us to stay the same because that is how it's created safety for us since we were children. Most of us have powerful egos, and the ego will throw up all kinds of resistance to keep us the same (and in the same relationship):

• Feeling self-doubt

• Procrastinating

• Avoiding our feelings

• Getting busy with other things

Experiencing resistance is a necessary part of the process, so is nothing to be ashamed about.

These midlife changes to our relationships are really jarring, surprising, and often upsetting. They don't have to mean it's time to break up -- maybe it's just time to break up with the current version of your relationship and start something new.

If you're struggling with a relationship that feels unfulfilling, that's lonely or full of conflict, you're not alone. My mission in life is to help people build extraordinary relationships. Click the button below to set up a Free 30-minute Dating Detox call with me. In this call, we talk about your unique relationship challenges, I'll give you some coaching, and you'll leave with concrete steps you can take to improve your relationship. I can't wait to hear from you!

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