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why emotional hotness?

Let's talk about before there was emotional hotness.

There was a time when we needed romantic relationships in order to survive. The family group was stronger than an individual could be. We picked mates that were strong and successful so that we could survive harsh conditions and so that our children were more likely to survive.


Fast forward to the present day:

Many of us still pick dating prospects based on physical appearance and status symbols of success, like material wealth and confidence or aggressiveness. Our conditioning, the unconscious workings of our mind, still leads us to prioritize this for our survival.



But times have changed...


We no longer need a romantic partner in order to get enough food, water, or shelter. Thanks to advances in reproductive science, we don't even need a romantic partner to have children anymore. We can do it all alone!


And yet, we long for a deep, lasting connection.


So we keep dating, and dating, and dating.

And this is where we find that we are actually looking for something more. We don't want to just pass the time away, or follow in our parents footsteps, stuck in the Triggered Phase.


We want to grow with someone, to not just share our lives and experiences, but to individuate, to self-actualize. Our deepest, most True Selves are longing to be released, so we can realize our creative potential!


In order to do this, we need to cultivate in ourselves and seek out partners who want to do inner work and who are not interested in repeating past mistakes over and over again.


How do we recognize people like this and know it in ourselves?


Emotionally hot people are:


  • Great listeners and reflectors. They are easy to talk to.

  • Comfortable having and sharing their opinions.

  • Open-minded and willing to have their perspective changed.

  • Trustworthy and consistent. You always know where you stand. No games.

  • Equipped to accept people as they are. They don't try to change anyone.

  • Not perfectionists. They know everyone has shortcomings.

  • Able to set consistent and clear boundaries. They express their needs and desires.

  • Great at owning their mistakes. They offer solid apologies. They call back their projections and work on being less defensive.


What this all leads to is:


  • Great sex. You can have open conversations, pause when needed, and imperfection is embraced. They ask for what they want and are hungry to hear what you want.

  • Enlivening conversations and experiences. The world opens up in a new way when you talk together or try new things.

  • Productive conflict. Instead of creating disconnection or devolving into criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling, conflict is used to understand each other better. You feel closer to each other through conflict.


Put very simply, emotionally hot people make great longterm partners. They are sacred union material.


If you keep finding yourself drawn to the emotionally-not instead of the emotionally-hot, you're not alone and there isn't anything wrong with you. We all have unconscious drivers that keep us repeating patterns over and over again. Until we discover what those drivers are, we are doomed to keep creating the same results.


If you're sick of dating and are ready to find the love of your life (or you've found them but you're totally stuck in the Triggered Phase), book a Free 30-Minute Dating Detox Call with me by clicking the link below:



PS - I'll be releasing my three-part online course on Emotional Hotness next month! It's completely self-led and will teach you how to have great first dates, how to de-trigger your partner and yourself, and how to have productive conflict. Subscribe to my newsletter to be notified when the course goes live!



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