The Four Phases of relationships
With 2024 wrapping up and 2025 just a couple weeks away, I find myself reflecting on relationship goals. What does it mean to have goals for a relationship, something we don't have full control over, but co-create with our partner? What does it mean to want change and growth in a relationship?
This is why I love to teach my clients about the four phases of relationships - it's based on the work of Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, who wrote a wonderful relationship book: Conscious Loving. In it, they describe relationships as having the potential to be endlessly generative: creative and alive, with both partners able to find and express their True Selves, living out their passions and potential in harmony and support of one another. In Jungian terms, we would call this individuating.
The first two phases of relationship are a guarantee, whether it's a one-week fling or a 60 year marriage. The second two phases are choices we make, and my mission is to empower you to take your first steps into them.
honeymoon phase
Looks like:
Spending a lot of time together and thinking about each other,
Intense attraction and frequent sex, and
Wonderful, positive feelings towards each other and the relationship.
We won't spend longer than 6 months in this phase of the relationship. This is because early in the attraction process, we're experiencing a projection of our Golden Shadow. When we experience attraction to someone, the thing we find appealing is an aspect of ourselves that we have pushed away.
I'll give a real life example:
Once while camping with my partner, we saw a guy in a nearby campsite who had set up a hammock to sleep in. His motorcycle was parked in the site and we speculated that he was traveling on his bike with only the stuff in his pack.
I felt attraction to this person! I perceived him as being adventurous, independent, and free. My partner expressed how cool his lifestyle seemed. Both of us were projecting our Golden Shadow onto him.
I don't see myself as adventurous, independent, and free. I see myself as cautious and responsible. The image of me traveling alone on a motorcycle with only what I could carry in a bag is...crazy. Strange. But also...exciting? After this experience, I experimented with being more adventurous and independent, and it led to some beautiful experiences.
This is why I tell couples that it's not a big deal to feel attracted to someone outside of your relationship. It's healthy for the psyche to highlight qualities that will give us vitality! What we pay attention to is where that energy is going - if it's being diverted into the object of attraction, we're missing the point.
triggered phase
This looks like:
Attachment issues being activated (grasping/chasing/controlling or withdrawing),
Increased conflict, criticism, and defensiveness,
Feelings of repulsion, irritation, outrage, anxiety, anger, sadness, (and more) arising,
Doubt and uncertainty about each other and the relationship.
This is why we're all here - because of the triggers that inevitably come up in our relationships. It doesn't matter if you're well-matched or have never felt this way about anyone before. The deeper the intimacy, the more intense the triggers will be.
Triggers are signals of our Shadow being projected onto our partner. When we're triggered, we're having an outsized emotional reaction. This reaction is completely unconscious - no one chooses to get triggered. But we do get to examine what meaning we're making of it. Usually, we blame something (or someone) external. But when we dig down deep, we find that in reality, our triggers have a lot more to do with us than with anything outside of us.
Getting curious about our triggers is the best thing we can do for ourselves, our partner, and our relationship. (My free workbook Triggered No More is a great way to kickstart your curiosity!)
Just like the attraction we experience is a projection of our Golden Shadow, when we're triggered by our partner, we're projecting our Shadow onto them.
Real life examples (names and details changed):
Angela was a classically presenting anxiously attached person, dating Derek, a classically presenting avoidant. They were very in love with each other, but Angela would sometimes become critical of Derek when she perceived him as "unemotional," and Derek would become defensive.
When they were able to call back their projections, Angela saw that she actually envied Derek's cool-headedness and wanted some for herself. For his part, Derek saw that he hated the projection of being unemotional: it reminded him of his father. Derek worked hard to build non-attachment to how Angela perceived him so that he didn't react to her out of fear, and Angela practiced giving herself emotional validation instead of relying on Derek for it.
Dierdre was a people-pleaser who had trouble setting boundaries. When her husband, Kevin, watched football, Dierdre became angry, resentful, and critical, perceiving him as lazy. She would quietly seethe and when Kevin would ask her what was wrong, she would claim nothing.
When Dierdre and I investigated this trigger, we found that she booked her schedule so full of helping others that she didn't have time to sit down and watch a football game. What she wanted to do more than anything was quietly read a book. By allowing herself to "be lazy," to do something she enjoyed just for herself, Dierdre's resentment towards Kevin disappeared.
John, a very quiet and reserved man, married Kate, a woman who was often the life of the party. When they first met, John found Kate's energy enchanting, but eventually it triggered feelings of repulsion in him.
We discovered that John had detached from his need for positive attention, which Kate was comfortable with in herself. We also later discovered that he had disconnected from joy, which Kate expressed in her extroverted enthusiasm. By reclaiming his need for positive attention and his ability to feel joy, his life opened up: not only did his marriage improve, he pursued a new career with passionate energy.
These folks continue to bring curiosity to their triggers, which is exactly what we need in order to move into the next phase of relationship.
Committed phase
Most couples get stuck in the Triggered Phase, the so-so relationship, and the result is that they either break up or they stay together and grow more cold, bitter, and constricted. Those bickering grandparents you know? This is them.
People who are self-aware will often learn not to lash out, not to criticize, and to manage their defensiveness. They often recognize what patterns they learned growing up and they try not to repeat them. Unfortunately, we all still act out of unconscious fears if we're not intentional about bringing them to light.
The couple and individuals I described above entered the Committed Phase when they took the leap into building a relationship with their triggers instead of managing them.
Managing our triggers looks like:
Biting our tongue, not sharing our hurts or desires for fear of being rejected,
Self-regulating instead of co-regulating,
Suppressing our feelings through numbing, like watching TV, scrolling social, or over-eating,
Avoiding each other to avoid the disappointment and loneliness we feel when we're together, and
Rationalizing that we can't expect better.
Managing our triggers keeps things the same. It accepts our ego's desire for comfort and stability. It tries to keep the peace or it "cancels" anyone who gets in our way.
Building a relationship with our triggers looks like:
Getting curious about the three entities in the relationship: ourselves, our partner, and the relationship,
Working on the two we have control over: ourselves and the relationship, through Shadow work and Animus/Anima work,
Practicing non-attachment and giving grace,
Embracing our feelings and sharing them with our partner in productive ways,
Co-regulating, and
Maintaining faith that we can figure this out together.
The Committed Phase is about commitment to change. It's about embracing that we have to become someone we have never been before in order to create a different relationship. Building a relationship with our triggers means that we embrace change.
creative phase
The Creative Phase of relationship is the ultimate goal. When a couple or individual has committed to working on their triggers, they begin a new type of work together and individually.
When we integrate our Shadow, projections no longer land on us quite the same way. We notice that either people treat us differently or they may get upset because they can't project their own Shadow onto us (this is especially true of family members). We also don't get triggered by what once triggered us.
When we build a relationship with our unconscious through Anima and Animus work, we build a deeper realization of our potential and innate worth. We harness our passions and desires and change our destiny. We find confidence, love, and power within us.
Through all of this, we meet our True Self, our most authentic expression. This is not a destination, but a journey, a road we walk together of constant learning and growth.
Are you ready to be empowered to create an extraordinary relationship?
On January 17, I'll be hosting a free LIVE webinar all about getting Beyond Triggers. We'll explore in detail exactly how to work with them - not manage them - so you can move into the Committed Phase together.
(If you can't make it live, you can register to get access to the replay!)
Click the button below to secure your spot!
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