Understanding your relationship triggers

If you've been part of the Creative Relationship Community for a while, you know that my mission is to empower you to create an extraordinary relationship.

You also know my take on triggers in our relationships:

• They are normal and healthy,

• They are the first step to growing and growing closer, and

• Most people have no idea how to harness triggers for growth and intimacy.

In fact, the messaging about triggers often looks like:

• You only get triggered if your nervous system is dysregulated, which means you're doing your life wrong,

• You have to carefully manage your triggers so that you don't ruin your relationship, because it's fragile,

• Your triggers all stem from attachment issues, so if you get triggered, you have insecure attachment.

This could not be further from the truth.

How do i know if I'm triggered?

To back-track it just a bit, triggers are when we have an outsized emotional reaction to our partner or to something they do.

Feeling annoyed, sad, angry, disappointed, disgusted, irritated, or anxious are all signs we may be dealing with a relationship trigger. We may feel collapsed and small, or we may feel judgmental and big.

Triggers are patterns. If we can recall other times in our lives when we've encountered similar people or situations or where we've felt this way before, we may be dealing with a trigger.

what should i do if i get triggered?

Each of these steps will give you what you need to understand your relationship triggers.

Take A Break

If you're new to working with your triggers, it's important to cultivate the ability to pause before reacting.

When we're reactive, we fall right into the patterns that most need to change: we lash out, we run away, we people-please, or we collapse.

To cultivate the pause before reacting, take a deep breath and fully acknowledge your feeling: What do you notice in your body? What emotion might this be? Practice observing the feeling without attaching to it's stories.

Don't Suppress Your Emotions

Many of us are very skilled at managing our emotions. Some of us can think our way out of being angry pretty easily, others of us use breath work or yoga to self-regulate.

While these strategies are useful in the short-term (like if we're at work), if we are constantly managing our emotions, we're not really feeling them. Research is pretty clear that suppressing emotions leads to illness and addictive behaviors.

If you tend to over-manage your emotions, you may need to practice feeling them.

Get Curious

When we're triggered, we tend to judge ourselves or our partner harshly. Instead of using judgment and blame, cultivate curiosity. Observe your thoughts without attaching to them. What meaning are you making of this situation? Could that be right? Could that be wrong? How does the meaning you're making connect to other situations you've faced in your life?

Judgment shuts us off from connection. Curiosity keeps us open.

Want a step-by-step process to understand a trigger? Get my FREE workbook Triggered No More! It's a guide with exercises that teach you how to understand your triggers, so you can break the cycle of repeating them!

Free Workbook Here