why non-attachment makes your relationship stronger

Part Two of the Coaching Client series.

Non-attachment is a Buddhist concept that can be a little tricky to wrap our heads around. Instead of attaching to outcomes, which leads to suffering, we can train ourselves to be present with reality and accept whatever comes with grace. This is a creative outlook that embraces life. Attachment is based in fear, which stifles creativity. A simple example is attaching to the outcome of a relationship working out. Another is attachment to our partner agreeing with our point of view in a conflict or needing them to see us a certain way.

This is something I have wrestled with my entire dating and romantic life. Because I grew up in a neglectful and abusive home, I didn't get some very basic needs met: attention, stability, and unconditional love.

Before I understood non-attachment, I had a fantasy that the right relationship would give me all of those things, and this fantasy created a lot of conflict and disconnection. It also caused me to sabotage relationships that weren't matching my fantasy. Interestingly, I did end up in two relationships that gave me attention, stability, and unconditional love: one was a codependent, enmeshed marriage that left me bored, trapped, and lonely, and the other was the relationship I have with myself.

Behind attachment is the desire for certainty, and this is something that every person struggles with, regardless of their upbringing. We all want the comfort and security of certainty, and there are all kinds of coping mechanisms we use to create a false sense of certainty.

Disaster Rehearsal

One of the ways we create a false sense of certainty is by convincing ourselves that something terrible is going to happen. We might imagine scenarios of betrayal or loss, torturing ourselves so that we can't be surprised when something doesn't go the way we want. A whole story gets created from our imagination, and it makes us miserable. Believe it or not, this is more comfortable than uncertainty is.

Ignoring Red Flags

In Jungian psychology, this is called an innocence complex. Like Snow White, we are unable to see that people may not have our best interests at heart. By ignoring our intuition and good sense, we get to pretend that things are fine when they are not fine. The result is that we may be taken advantage of, because we are refusing to accept reality as it is.

Rationalizing

Our thinking mind, led by the ego, is very powerful. When we rationalize, we are trying to avoid an uncomfortable feeling by creating a story about why something is happening. We may explain to ourselves why our partner seems grouchy instead of asking them what's going on, or we may rationalize our own self-sabotage to ourselves. It's comforting to have certainty, and it's deeply uncomfortable to confront what may be underneath.

In each of these examples, there is a need for certainty, which necessarily cuts us off from our curiosity. How can I be curious if I am scared of the answer I might get? Better to just make one up to myself. Then I'll feel better.

How does this show up in dating?

In dating, being attached to outcomes looks like becoming overly invested in someone that we just started dating. We might "know" they are the one, or we might become extremely anxious whenever we don't hear from them. We may ignore signals that they're not as invested in the relationship in favor of a fantasy or we may try to be pleasing to keep them interested.

Being attached in dating can also look like being attached to our projections: when someone triggers us or shows themselves to be imperfect in our eyes, we may feel betrayed or so deeply disappointed that we're tempted to end the relationship. Projecting the Ideal Partner on someone is a normal part of the process of building a relationship, but when we are attached to that projection, we cling to a fantasy and will sabotage what could be a wonderful relationship.

How does this show up in relationships and marriage?

As mentioned above, attachment creates a lot of conflict. We grasp for certainty from our partner about our future with them and how they feel about us. We crave "knowing." Knowing that they love and need us. Knowing that they will love us forever. Knowing what the timeline is for marriage and kids. Knowing that our future will be secure and comfortable. Knowing they aren't mad at us, knowing that everything is Ok.

This craving often stems from early childhood. If we had parents who were neglectful, critical, unpredictable, or even just kind of busy and detached, we may look to our adult romantic partner to show us that we're high value and we'll want to receive unconditional love from them.

The thing is, our belief in our value needs to come from within. And when we look externally for someone to love us unconditionally, we'll always be disappointed. Our partner won't and shouldn't love us unconditionally. Only we can do that for ourselves.

When we cultivate non-attachment, we cultivate acceptance that our partner's feelings may change. This is an emotionally mature stance to face the world with. Life is change. To cling to things remaining the same is to cling to death. There is no room for creative problem solving when we need to be agreed with. There is no room for our relationship to mature and deepen if we cling to the Honeymoon Phase.

To "know" is to delude ourselves and stifle the life within our relationship. To be open and accepting, to surrender to what is instead of grasping at our fantasies of being perfectly loved and understood, is to really open ourselves to love. There is something necessarily guarded about being attached, in that it limits what we're willing to accept as love.

strengthening our relationship

Cultivating non-attachment strengthens our relationship in a few ways. First, it takes the pressure off of our partner to be what we want them to be. You may already know that this is a burden for them that creates a lot of resentment in your relationship. Non-attachment also takes the pressure off of ourselves to be lovable - when we're in non-attachment, we are always loved, so we don't need to be anything different. We can just be.

Approaching conflict from a position of non-attachment is key for coming to creative solutions. It's much easier to be curious about our partner's feelings and positions when we aren't invested in them seeing things our way. It's also easier to be curious about ourselves! We get to ask interesting questions like, "I wonder why this bothers me so much?" or "What is this situation showing me about my mind?"

Being attached to outcomes is a sign of fear. When we fear abandonment, we act in ways that create abandonment. When we fear constriction, we act in ways that create it.

With non-attachment comes the possibility for growth. Partners who grow together in emotional maturity, self-knowledge, and facing challenges have satisfying, deep relationships that stand the test of time.

cultivating non-attachment

Non-attachment is a practice, not a state. The natural state of humans is to let the ego run the show, and the ego does not like surprises or uncertainty. We very easily slip back into delusion and fantasy if we are not consistently practicing non-attachment.

Non-attachment comes from the True Self, the totality of who we are. You may have experienced the True Self before in a meditation session, in prayer, a psychedelic experience, or in nature. The experience is one of awe and of connection to the universe. Transcendence, love, and peace are feelings that come from the True Self.

Non-attachment has a peaceful quality to it, unlike detachment, which is numb and distant. It is a centered grounded-ness, a faith in the divine plan or in humanity or in consciousness.

Here are some ways that people cultivate non-attachment:

• Meditation practices, particularly Vipassana or Insight Meditation.

• Studying texts like the Tao De Ching or the Bhagavad gita.

• Reading Buddhist writers like Pema Chödrön and Thich Nhat Hanh.

• Practicing observing their thoughts and feelings without attaching to them.

All of this is much easier said than done. Continuing to use the Pure Awareness meditation is a wonderful way to practice non-attachment, as is observing our thoughts and emotions through Emotional Power Integration.