a magical phrase to repair your relationships
Updated: Jul 19
I won't hold you in suspense. It's, "I can see how you'd feel that way."
But let's dive into why, shall we?
when we're triggered...
Talking things out is a way that human beings are meant to process their feelings and thoughts. This ideally starts in early childhood, when a parent will see and name a child's emotional experience before they have the words to do so on their own.
Talking things out helps us feel less lonely in our experience. It's also regulating for our nervous system and helps us to figure out how to solve the problem if we can.
But if we're met with, "don't be upset," or unsolicited advice, we actually feel worse. It's dysregulating and we leave the conversation more lonely than when we started.
This phrase can validate a challenging experience for our romantic partner. Whether they're frustrated, irritated, disappointed, or sad about a work issue or a family issue, "I can see how you'd feel that way" leaves plenty of room for their experience and shows empathy.
what if i don't empathize with their experience?
What I see in the individuals and couples I work with is that when they cannot empathize with their partner, there's something deeper going on for them.
Building some recognition of our triggers, Shadow, and Persona can help us delve into why we may be judging their experience instead of curious about it. (Here's an article about this with an exercise at the end to get you started!)
when we're in conflict...
This phrase is a form of repair that's called "validation."
Repair encompasses many types of communication, from validation to apologizing to reflecting. Repair is what keeps a relationship strong when something derails connection.
Think about the last big conflict you had. Recall where your upset sourced from.
How would it have felt to hear from the other person, "I can see how you'd feel that way?"
Often, this is a major reconnecting moment. That receptiveness and softening towards the other person (instead of becoming entrenched in opposition) has a magical effect. Anger or frustration gives way. You want to hold each other close.
Validation is just one repair skill (and this particular phrase is just one form of validation!), but one that very few of us witnessed our caregivers practice.
Do you want to learn more about how to de-trigger your partner and have more connecting conflict? This is exactly why I created the Emotional Hotness Package.
It's three modules of relationship training in a self-paced, fully online course. You'll learn all about the different types of repair for conflict, how to support your partner when they're triggered, and much more:
How to de-trigger yourself so you can respond vs react.
How to express your feelings and needs without fear.
How to hold space and why it's important.
This is way deeper than other online courses out there. It's not just a quiz + results or a series of lectures. Included in the Emotional Hotness Package are:
Guided meditations.
Worksheets (including pages from my upcoming workbook on triggers).
Exercises to practice the tools you learn.
Bonus training videos.
Want to learn more? Click the button to check out the program! You'll see all three components (First Date Rehab, Triggered to Tranquil, and Creative Conflict Resolution) as well as the bundle: The Emotional Hotness Package contains all three!
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