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A Guide to Dating After Divorce

Writer's picture: Coach Rachel KCoach Rachel K

Updated: Jan 22

One of the first thoughts I had after initiating my divorce was, "Oh my God, I haven't dated in 15 years - how do I even do that?" I was immediately filled with dread. Going back to the discomfort of getting to know someone new and figuring out if they were a good match for me did not spark joy...it sounded exhausting.


But you know what did spark joy? The idea that I could have a fresh start. I had felt stuck for so long, it was a relief to feel like I could start over.


Very likely both of these feelings are true for us when we start dating after divorce: we're afraid and we're excited. Here's a short guide to starting over: the do's and don'ts of dating after divorce, the nitty gritty on what's likely to come up, and how to avoid the pitfalls that lead to more heartache.


Notice what outcomes you're attached to

This is where most of us get tripped up when it comes to relationships and dating: we're unconsciously attached to certain outcomes. This leads us to miss what's in front of us (good or not-so-good) and try to control things so we get what we want.


A middle-aged Asian woman in a tan linen outfit sits meditating with her eyes closed as she gently holds a brown bowl.

The part of us that is attached to outcomes is the ego. It's job is to select our behavior so that we are safe socially and physically, and it does this through our persona, the mask we wear to achieve love and belonging. Our persona in early life is based on fear: what qualities do I need to avoid and which ones do I need to demonstrate?


In my early life, I suppressed qualities like assertiveness and directness. I unconsciously made sure that others saw me as easy-going, supportive, and open-minded. This led to me caretaking in my romantic relationships, disowning my needs, and feeling disconnected and resentful. When we start dating after divorce, we might be attached to outcomes like finding a committed relationship, being desired or liked, or having a wild s*xual experience. Knowing that our ego is looking to confirm something for us (that we're desirable, not too old, etc) protects us from delusion. Fostering non-attachment is a powerful practice for dating.


get offline asap

With the rise of AI being used in emails, text, and chat features in dating apps, it's going to be difficult to get to know the person on the other end without having a lot of face time.


We're looking for a soul connection, and someone's soul shines through in the way they phrase sentences, in the way they joke, in the way they display interest and affection. Sometimes we discover we find someone attractive and interesting because of the way they smile or gesture. AI does not have a soul, so it cannot help us connect.


Move conversations off of chat and text as quickly as possible, so you can meet the real them. Get to the first date, even a mini-date of picking up coffee and a walk, so you can get a real feel for what they are like in person, without the barriers of tech.


And also, if you're considering using AI to "enhance" your own messages, I want to invite you to remember that you want someone who is going to love the real you, exactly as you are. If you have to polish yourself up with a soulless consciousness, the person is interested in the bot, not you.


Cast a wide net

So often we're looking for a spark or a high level of attraction early on. My tip: go on dates with people you find interesting, who you could be friends with. If you can have an engaging, respectful conversation, if they listen to you as much as you listen to them, and if they have qualities that lead to good relationships, like openness, they're probably worth getting to know more! (PS - I call this being Emotionally Hot.)


Friendship is the absolute steadiest base from which to build a relationship. If someone seems like they'd make a good friend to you, attraction and love might come later.


know the ins and outs of why your marriage ended

If we're looking for our next great relationship, we can only create better when we know better, and we can only know better if we do our soul work.


Doing our soul work means uncovering the unconscious conditioning that led to the patterns in our marriage that stopped working for us. It means seeing what we don't want to see, it means feeling what we don't want to feel, knowing that the deepest fulfillment lies on the other side of that discomfort.


If we can be brave enough to look at our ended marriage and accept that we create our reality, that we co-created the marriage and have 100% responsibility for our lives and how they turn out, then we're on the path to creating something different.


connect with your desire

I wrote earlier about fostering non-attachment, and this is the creative side of the same coin: what is the higher calling for you to start dating again? We find ourselves in attachment unconsciously through the ego, which is focused on safety. This limits us. It keeps us small to act out of fear.


The ego wants:

-To avoid feeling lonely or bored.

-A relationship to prove that we're worthy or meaningful.


When we connect with our soul's desire for a relationship, we find higher meaning and fulfillment in the process. This expands us. We grow when we give our ego a new job: to act out of integrity with our life purpose.


So how does dating fit in with your life purpose?

-Are you trying to expand your horizons, connect more deeply with who you are?

-Are you invested in starting a family?

-Are you ready to allow more love in your life?


There are as many life purposes out there as there are people. Connecting with our soul's desire for fulfillment while dating and relating (not just in our career) is going to yield the most satisfaction and contentment.


Want to kick off your soul work? Check out my free workbook Triggered No More! In it, you'll learn how the things that trigger you are pointing you towards your soul's desire. Get the workbook through the link below!







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