relationship habits for better connection

I don't know about you, but when autumn begins to set in, I feel a desire to reset. The crisper air asks for a crisper set of routines and sharper, more aligned habits.

In the past, I'd always turn this energy towards my work or my health. Planning, organizing, setting goals for the year and then breaking them down into smaller goals and habits to build. I think many of us do this.

But what about our relationship? What if we could plot a course and create relationship habits that, over time, led to more connection and intimacy, more fun, and better teamwork and communication?

Below is a list of my recommended relationship habits to build. It's what I've seen my clients gain the most benefit from and what I personally employ in my relationship. But before we just randomly pick habits, let's figure out exactly what we want to build.

Journaling Prompts:

You can journal about this yourself or you can do it as an exercise with your sweetheart about it and get their view, too!

1. What do I wish there was more of in my relationship? (Fun, sex, physical affection, laughing, talking, space, emotional support, growth, etc.)
   

2. Why do I think that's not there now? How am I getting in the way of what I want?
   

3. Are there big milestones I desire for my relationship in the future? (Moving in, getting engaged, having a baby, planning for retirement, more travel, etc) How will my life change for the better when I have those things?
   

4. Who do I need to become in order to be the person who has what I want?

Ok, now that we have an idea of what we wish to build, here is that list of relationship habits. They are organized from most simple to most complex.

Relationship Habits to Build

Hey, over-achievers! Don't take on all of these habits at once, Ok? I know you want to be the absolute best, and I love that about you. Start with one at a time, give it four weeks to sink in, and then add something.

1. Share what you appreciate about each other every day. This is a research-backed practice that keeps the fondness and admiration alive in your relationship.
   

2. Ask, "how can I show you I love you today?" Instead of assuming what our partner needs or wants, we ask directly. You might be surprised at what you hear!
   

3. Know what your needs are and meet them. For people who tend to focus on other people's needs over their own, we can miss out on getting space to read a book, journal, exercise, a variety of self-care tasks. Caring for ourselves is caring for our relationship.
   

4. Make time to play together. Adults are play-deprived, and it makes it difficult for us to regulate our nervous systems. Play is the most powerful way to co-regulate. Some ideas are board games, video games, picking up a sport together, or watching stand-up comedy. Play is something that makes you feel more alive. Doing it together invigorates your relationship!
   

5. Practice holding space. So often, we assume unconsciously that when our partner brings us a problem, they need us to fix how they feel or give them a solution. In reality, one of the most important roles we play as romantic partners is as a reflector: listening attentively, reflecting back feelings and thoughts we're hearing, and asking open-ended questions.

   
   

   PS - I teach this skill in my free course, Connection Rehab. If you've heard, "you never listen to me," you need to check this out!
   

6. The Three Hour Night. I talk about this in Connection Rehab, but active people often have a hard time finding time. Dividing evenings into three even sections gives us necessary connection time with our sweetheart, me-time, and time to get stuff done for the household. Committing to two to three Three-Hour Nights is a great place to start - and they don't have to be three hours long.
   

7. Improve the way you have conflict. Most of us did not have Creative Conflict modeled for us. Instead we saw name-calling, shaming, criticizing, defensiveness, the Silent Treatment, and sweeping things under the rug. The way we have conflict directly impacts the odds of our relationship lasting. Want to improve the way you have conflict? Check out my course, The Emotional Hotness Package. You'll learn everything from how to de-trigger yourself and your partner, how to communicate to avoid defensiveness, and how to repair and resolve conflict - especially recurring ones.

Wherever you direct your attention for habits in your relationship, know that it will be hard to maintain! The key is not to execute these perfectly, but to try new things, see how the experiment goes, and iterate from there. Be curious, and have fun!