The Holiday Survival guide for relationships

Let's be real: the holidays are not all fun and hot cocoa and warm nights by the fire. The holidays are complicated.

They are full of expectations, both positive and negative ones. They are full of memories, warm ones and disappointing ones. They might be joyful and connecting, but they can also be hurtful, lonely, isolating, anxiety-inducing, and anger filled. Travel is stressful during the holidays. And nothing is more triggering than family. The holiday season is a minefield.

expectations

We all carry a host of unconscious expectations, and we may not even know that they are there until they're unmet and we're triggered! When our partner didn't get the hint about what gift we really wanted or they didn't express enthusiasm about spending time with our family, we can get really activated: angry, disappointed, catastrophizing - you name it and it'll come up.

Many expectations come from how we grew up. We assume that everyone's family operates the same way our family of origin does, and when we discover differences, they can be fun and informative, but we can also find ourselves repulsed or annoyed. This is normal! I teach my clients to be really curious about these differences and what they bring up. These triggers are often the greatest sources of growth we're offered.

memories

The most potent aspect of our memories are emotions. The memories we carry of holidays past can be so vivid that they are hard to live up to: nothing in the present can compare to the glow of nostalgia when we had a loving and safe childhood. This can create chronic disappointment with the holiday season, with nothing ever feeling right or good enough.

If we had challenging childhoods, we may bring grief and sadness to the holidays. We may feel jealous or ashamed when we compare our experiences to others'. If we are missing loved ones, we'll notice their absence more around the holidays.

Travel & hosting

"Are we there yet?"

Sitting in traffic, running late to a flight, packing up young kids to hit both grandmas' houses, whatever the travel situation is for the holidays, it's never the most fun part. Logistics are not always both partner's strong suits, so this aspect of the holidays can activate resentments about mental load that need to be addressed.

Similar to travel, hosting is a logistical circus that requires a high mental load. Knowing how much food is needed, keeping up with dishes, laundry, and tidying, as well as keeping everyone entertained and comfortable is a taxing feat. Layering in fears of judgment, disapproval, or rejection gives us another potential minefield of triggers.

family

"If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family." -Ram Dass

Even if we love our families and feel close to them, no one is more triggering to us than our family members. We'll often find that we identify more closely with one parent or sibling over another, and this creates jealousy or feelings of hurt. We may notice impulses to control how they see us, to either set ourselves apart from their perspectives or values, or to conform to what we think they want from us.

And if our family was challenged with dynamics of criticism, control, or emotional indifference, spending time with them as an adult can lead to a kind of regression: everyone falls back into their old roles without consciously deciding to do so. Seeing our partner do this with their family can be enlightening, and also concerning if we're uninitiated into how family dynamics work.

(Our families of origin often hold the seeds of potential for us to grow later in life. See the end of the article for a short bonus exercise!)

I want you to have the best holiday season ever, so here is my step-by-step process to set your relationship up for success!

1. Recognize that you have to change what you've been doing if you want a different result. This is sometimes the biggest roadblock to a connecting holiday season: we want it all!

   If this describes you, examine what keeps you from changing what you've done in years past: Is it fear of disapproval from family? Is it fear of conflict with your partner? Knowing what's going on can help you determine your next steps.
   

2. Figure out your hopes and expectations, then share them. We are really good at knowing what we don't want, but do you know what you do want from the holidays? For example, it's not helpful to know, "I don't want to be stressed out." What we need is to know if we want to feel relaxed, or if we want to stay at home this year, or if we need more help than we're asking for. So often we think our partner is on the same page with us, and they just aren't. Sharing our hopes and expectations ensures we can iron out any needs for compromise or clarity before the family starts pulling into the driveway.
   

3. Anticipate triggers. Not so that you can avoid them, but so you can get a head start on understanding them. Triggers are an inevitable part of life, especially relationships. We think that getting triggered means there's something wrong with our relationship, when in reality, our unconscious is pointing out something important to us. Prepare for the holidays by listing out what triggered you and your partner last season and download my free workbook Triggered No More.
   

4. Cultivate non-attachment. According to Buddhism, the source of all of our suffering is attachment: attaching to outcomes based on fear. This might look like grasping at having the "perfect" holiday, or being anxious about whether our aunt is going to drink too much, or fearing someone commenting on our appearance. Ultimately, we want to build understanding of what we're grasping at and what we're trying to avoid. This helps us free ourselves from needing to control everything. (My free workbook Triggered No More can help you figure this out!)
   

5. Make space for lots of emotions. So often we're attached to only having a "positive" experience, but this is not reasonable or feasible. After all, the holidays are not just celebratory days - they are also just Tuesdays. Every day holds lots of feelings. Embrace all of them, knowing that they will pass. Acknowledging our emotional experience without buying into the story that something is wrong with us, our partner, or our holiday can allow us to have an authentic emotional experience without the extra suffering that the meaning we make of it brings. Intentionally cultivating emotions like joy, transcendence, and peace is an important practice if we want to experience them at the holidays. Consider what in your life gives you these feelings. Meditation? Going for walks? Attending spiritual services? Whatever the right thing is for you, make it a priority.

bonus: family trigger prompts

(This is a great exercise for couples as well!)

1) What was your mother like when you were growing up?

2) What was your father like as you were growing up? 3) What aspects of your mother and father have you emulated? (This reflects your Persona.) What aspects of them have you rejected? (This reflects your Shadow.) 4) What qualities and emotions were encouraged in you when you were a child? 5) What qualities and emotions were discouraged in you when you were a child? 6) How has all of the above impacted you and your life? 7) What could open up for you if you held less tightly to your Persona and embraced your Shadow?