Three Tips for relationship Shadow Work
Updated: Oct 10
Using Shadow work to transform the dynamics of our relationship is a critical part of having a Creative Relationship.
How do we know if Shadow is affecting our relationship?
Triggers - getting triggered by our partner is the first sign that we're dealing with Shadow. Triggers are outsized emotional reactions to people or events. When we're really attached to outcomes, we're dealing with a trigger. This can show up as needing to be right or agreed with or to have our partner change their behavior.
Judgment-Mode - we find ourselves judging our partner or ourselves, criticizing or blaming. This is a sign of projection. Taking ownership may feel uncomfortable, but it holds self-compassion within it.
We're having intense, upsetting dreams - Dreams are another way our unconscious communicates with us.
We're finding ourselves attracted (to distraction) to someone outside of our relationship - Attraction is a sign of Golden Shadow, a positive quality that we have suppressed to our unconscious.
Quick Re-cap:
Shadow work stems from Swiss psychologist Carl Jung's concept of the Shadow. When we are born, we are our whole, True selves. As we grow older, we learn from our caregivers what qualities are acceptable and what qualities are unacceptable, and our psyche pushes those unacceptable qualities into the unconscious, where they are hidden away.
As we reach young adulthood, we believe falsely that those conscious qualities are our whole identity. In reality, this is our Persona, only a small part of who we are. The Persona is a mask we wear in order to be accepted, to receive the love and belonging we need to survive socially and emotionally.
When we reach middle age, we begin to feel a call towards growth, or individuation. Individuation is Jung's version of self-actualization. Individuating means reclaiming our Shadow qualities so that we can return to our True selves. As we individuate, we feel more authentic, confident, and capable.
Below you'll find three tips to help you perform Shadow work more effectively.
One: connect to emotion without letting it overtake you
Triggers can be very intense. If you're feeling enraged or deeply saddened by something, it's not the time to perform Shadow work. Allow the emotion to run its course and then return to the trigger when you're less in the sway of the emotion and it's stories.
When beginning Shadow work, I recommend picking triggers that are at a 5 or below on a 10-point intensity scale. Those lesser triggers still lead to tons of growth.
two: own your projections
This is a top tip for relationships in general. When we know that we are projecting onto our partner or onto situations, we can call back the projection and see reality for what it is.
Usually, we are projecting a lack of safety. As we grew up, we unconsciously created a Persona and Shadow in order to be accepted and loved. As we experienced our life, different lenses have slid over our vision. Our perception is altered by what is unconscious, skewing and distorting our experiences, in order to perceive danger.
The problem is that we're wired to perceive danger far more easily than safety, so we'll see danger where there really isn't any. Learning to see our partner's differences from us as potential gifts to our relationship takes the energy out of the projections that refuse to see their value.
three: don't do shadow work around traumatic events or figures
If you've experienced abuse or trauma, have PTSD, C-PTSD, depression, or any anxiety disorders, work with a mental health professional before attempting any Shadow work. Trauma may re-surface when accessing the unconscious and having the appropriate care in place is important for integration.
This is not to say that people who have trauma can't do Shadow work. It's to say that if the trauma is present enough that it's affecting your life, Shadow work isn't the place to start. The unconscious is a part of us, but it's also wild, unfamiliar territory. Be respectful of its power and seek a professional if you get stuck.
be creative!
Bonus tip: Shadow work will give you insights, but it isn't enough to understand yourself if you want to truly change and grow in your relationship. You have to get creative with it. Once you know what qualities you've suppressed into your Shadow, give yourself opportunities to integrate it, reclaiming them by using their gifts in your life, even in small ways.
For example, if being aggressive is in my Shadow, I may choose to advocate for myself at work or at home instead of being dissatisfied and staying quiet. Integration doesn't mean becoming the our Shadow, it means having access to those qualities again, making us more whole and better able to live out our vision.
Interested in Shadow work? Get my free workbook Triggered No More! Click the button below to fill out the form to receive this completely free workbook.
Yorumlar