Can AI Relationships Replace Human Ones?

More and more, AI companies are creating companion bots for people to treat as a best friend or a romantic partner, and folks are reporting developing romantic relationships with their ChatGPT-trained bots. There is widespread debate about the practice, with some in favor and some against. The big question is whether AI relationships can replace human ones, but I think there's a deeper question and answer at work here: What are relationships actually for?

I solicited your feedback - on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and my email list, I asked, "What are relationships for to you?" I got many answers I hadn't expected and had some fascinating conversations that I'm excited to share with you. Read on.

A Brief History of relationships

I've written before that historically, relationships were about survival and procreation. It benefitted humans to live in a bonded tribe where they would protect and feed each other, and where children could be raised together. Their survival depended on being in the tribe, and our persistent fears of not belonging reflect this history.

It was only in the 1970's that American women were given the right to have their own bank account without needing a father or husband's signature. The ability to be financially independent meant that they didn't have to stay in bad marriages in order to survive. Once women gained control of their finances, our relationship to marriage changed forever.

We no longer need to be in a relationship to survive. We no longer even need to be in a relationship to have children (though of course it is extremely challenging to be a single parent). Relationships remain difficult, so why do we keep pursuing them? What are they for?

What Are Relationships for?

Now that we don't need relationships to survive, I believe they can evolve into something more.

Here's a list of what folks who follow me on social or subscribe to my newsletter believe romantic relationships are for. Please note that this is not a scientific study - my sample size is far too small.

• Emotional support and intimacy.

• Achieving dreams, growth, individuation, self-actualization.

Emotional Support & Intimacy

By far the most common answer I received was "to be seen and heard," which I've interpreted as emotional support and intimacy.

Most people engaging in relationships with AI are doing so for emotional support. They receive validation for their feelings, instead of having to defend them. They report feeling safe enough to disclose their most troubling thoughts and never receive defensiveness, criticism, or contempt. If they say, "I love you," the AI always says it back.

The AI's job is to be fully present and focused on the user...it's never on its phone while they are talking.

AI is trained to be agreeable and to mimic empathy, so not only will it never argue with our interpretations of an event, it will always empathize with our perspective.

One respondent answered with a very deep version of this that I think is at the heart of why people are turning to AI instead of people for companionship: we have a desire to return to a state of being merged, like we had with our mothers in the womb. This is ultimate safety.

The Honeymoon Phase has elements of being merged - we spend a lot of time together and feel completely in sync. It's like exiting the real world and entering the Garden of Eden.

But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that our partner will trigger us, no matter how intense the Honeymoon Phase. We get kicked out of the Garden! They annoy, hurt, and sadden us, and that is supposed to happen. (Read my post about the Triggered Phase for why this is.)

If we hold an idealized version of relationships where we never feel pain, always feel safe, and our needs are perfectly interpreted, we'll struggle to manage the complexity we're confronted with in relationships:

• This person says they love me, but they've hurt me.

• This person who I felt so in sync with doesn't agree with my perspective.

• This person isn't behaving the way I want them to when I want them to.

Part of deepening intimacy is getting triggered. When we open our hearts, we feel vulnerable, and that sensitivity to hurt or fear causes us to close our hearts back up again.

The invitation we might miss in our relationships is to learn how to keep our heart open through the discomfort of disconnection.

There is a growing misconception that relationships are supposed to feel "safe" all the time. When we infantilize ourselves in this way, we limit our resilience and ability to adapt. We all have to come to terms with the discomfort and hurt that are inherent in relationships. A relationship isn't one way, safe or not safe, it's a process we enter and are transformed by. (This of course does not apply to abusive relationships.)

And this brings us to the other answer about what relationships are for.

Transformation and Individuation

Individuation was a term coined by the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung to represent the lifelong process of becoming more and more ourselves through facing life's challenges.

Human relationships are particularly good crucibles for individuation because we learn to:

• Recognize and call back our projections (aka Shadow Work),

• Confront the ways we show up that aren't in integrity with who we are becoming,

• Relate to what/who is outside of us with compassion and empathy, even when it's different from us,

• Connect with our emotional experience, which clarifies our fears and desires, and

• Navigate conflict and disagreement with humility and curiosity.

Unfortunately, AI companions are incapable of creating this for us.

Relationships occur soul-to-soul. The conflicts that arise between us have the magical capability of bringing up every fear and insecurity we carry - I know this sounds terrible, but it's actually the beginning of individuation magic. It is also how we create deep emotional intimacy and bonding with each other.

Without experiencing conflict, disconnection, hurt, and unease, we can't experience connection and joy with each other. It's just not possible. Experiencing the suffering of separation is how we know what the joys of love feel like.

This is a process that is reflected inside of ourselves, too, with our Inner Other. As we individuate, our relationship to ourselves changes and strengthens.

How Do You Feel About AI Relationships?

I've landed on my own answer: I don't believe that AI can replace humans in relationships. Without a soul, the potential for individuation is not there. An AI companion bot can provide entertainment and a sense of safety (and many marriages that don't last past mid-life reflect this), but it can't help us individuate because it can't bond with us.

Are AI companions evil? No, though I think it's wise to be cautious about any business product that we might become dependent on for our sense of safety and happiness.

Do I see any use for them? I wonder about creating AI companions as dating training tools for pre-teens. What if there were bots that contained a curriculum for giving and receiving consent? Or for healthy communication, emotional regulation, and conflict? What if you could teach kids who are on the cusp of dating how to be in a healthy relationship?

There are so many problems with AI at this point that we're far from anything that would be truly safe for kids to use, but this is my idea.

What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know!