Why Am I Still Single?

Figuring out why we're still single when we feel like we've been doing everything we can to find love is one of the most frustrating experiences in life.

For successful professionals who are divorced, this experience can be even more frustrating. We're conscious that life is precious and time is short, and we do not want to waste any time on bad dates or dating apps that get us absolutely nowhere.

But I have good news for you - you're not still single because of the city you live in or because you're too old or because all the good ones are taken. People are meeting and falling in love every day, right where you are.

The reason you're still single is a unique inner barrier to love, and in the rest of this post, I'll help you start to figure out what that is.

The Three Dating Phases

When we're stuck in dating, we want to figure out what phase we're in first.

• The Attraction Phase - When we first feel interest in getting to know someone more.

• The Bonding Phase - When we develop emotional intimacy with someone.

• The Commitment Phase - When we commit to the relationship.

Often, we get stuck in a particular phase over and over. The reason this happens is because our unique inner barrier to love prevents us from progressing outside of its guardrails.

Attraction Phase

Getting stuck here looks like:

• Not finding matches you're interested in on dating apps.

• Set-ups and dates are duds - they feel boring and pointless.

• Feeling attraction only with people who are unavailable.

When we're stuck here, it is either because we're a) falling into the Chemistry Trap, b) we have an inner conflict about being in a relationship, or c) we're too invested in a relationship fixing our happiness.

The Chemistry Trap is when we are expecting to feel intense attraction right away. Romcoms reinforce this sense that our soulmate must be someone we'll have immediate chemistry with (think Nobody Wants This). The Chemistry Trap is not only a false fantasy, it's a defense against the potential to be in a relationship, a way to avoid getting hurt. This is why a part of falling into the Chemistry Trap can be remaining attached to a non-functional but very exciting off-and-on relationship.

This brings us to the second reason we might get stuck in the Attraction Phase. Often, even if we're active on dating apps and trying to get set up, we have a secret fear of getting back out there. We sabotage ourselves unconsciously by attracting people we have nothing in common with, or we find things wrong with people. We get "the ick" in order to stay single, which can feel safer than opening ourselves up to love again.

Lastly, we might get stuck in this phase if we're overly invested in the role that a relationship plays in our happiness. If we're so preoccupied with being in a relationship that we're not enjoying other aspects of our life, we've allowed a "lack" to eclipse us, covering up all that we have to nurture and cultivate in our life.

Whatever we focus on expands. If we're focused on something we don't have, the fear of continuing to not have it will continue to play out in our life.

You might notice that the common theme to all of these is a deeply buried fear. Unconscious fears rule our lives in ways that seem like fate, but we are the ones creating our reality. After 40, we have to go deeper than the limiting beliefs (like "I'm not enough") in order to find these inner barriers to the love we want.

Bonding Phase

Getting stuck here looks like:

• Chronic situationships.

• Getting ghosted after getting excited.

• Hearing "I'm not ready for a relationship" after they said they were looking for one.

I wrote a whole post about situationships, which is the common theme behind why we get stuck in the Bonding Phase, so to quickly summarize: Situationships happen because we're confusing chemistry and tension (feeling excitement and attraction and having limited access to a person) with emotional intimacy.

In order to bond with another person, we need emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy comes from being consistent (communicating at predictable intervals in predictable ways and in consistency between words and actions) and from reciprocity (holding themselves to the same expectations they hold us to).

Emotional intimacy doesn't feel exciting. It feels like a cozy blanket. And it's the bedrock of solid relationships that stand the test of time.

Often, we get stuck in the bonding phase because we're scared of emotional intimacy. We attract emotionally unavailable people because unconsciously, that feels safer than allowing ourselves to be fully known. We fixate on external signs of chemistry and attraction and de-value the qualities that make relationships last.

Commitment Phase

When we've experienced true bonding, commitment that leads to an exclusive relationship usually follows. You become boyfriend/girlfriend, you meet each others' friends and family, and you start integrating each other into your lives.

In rare cases, though, the Commitment Phase stalls out after Bonding. Sometimes there are physical limitations, like long distance and an inability or unwillingness to change jobs or locations. Sometimes a couple experiences a rude awakening, like the Triggered Phase or learning that you're not aligned on something key, like having kids.

The Triggered Phase is a completely normal and healthy part of a relationship, but when we're re-living our past experiences in our relationship, our body sounds the alarm and badly wants to move away from whatever is threatening it. This might look like allowing our triggers to dictate our relationship, but it can also mean breaking up. This is a missed opportunity to grow and grow closer.

Intimate relationships always bring up our deepest fears, and this is a good thing! We can only see those fears and their impact on our life (inner barriers to love, success, money, etc), when we get triggered.

Getting stuck in the Commitment Phase can also look like opening up a previously monogamous relationship to non-monogamy, even after marriage. While lots of folks navigate alternative relationship structures successfully (here's a great book on the subject), the majority of people engaging in non-monogamy (especially for the first time) are doing so as a form of avoidance. It can feel easier to focus on creating other relationships than to focus on one that is going through a difficult season. The key is in uncovering if this desire for non-monogamy is coming from a reaction to a trigger.

The inner barriers to this stage are significantly more complex and individual than in the first two phases, but the common theme to all of them is how we respond to our triggers.

There's nothing wrong with you and you're not broken. You have an incredible opportunity to transform your life by addressing your stuckness in dating.

Whether we're getting "the ick" in the attraction phase or we're in yet another situationship, there is always a way to get the love that we want. It will often call us to question everything, and that's where I come in!

Get my free eGuide "Why Am I Still Single?" and

• Learn more about the phase of dating you're stuck in,

• Get simple journaling exercises for your phase of dating to start getting unstuck, and

• Find out how I help my brilliant, high-achieving clients finally meet the love of their life.

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Why Am I Still Single? Free e-Guide